[EXPLAIN TO HIM the wonderful world of casual sex, that'll go over really well.]
I don't know, I've never tried it.
You know that I cannot be romantically involved. I have a curfew. I have a strict diet- though I make do with what I can here. A training regimen, daily meditation. My handler typically has a silver blade and bullet on his person but I have not been able to locate those objects here- I would give them to my superior if I did. I follow a dress code. We used to wear collars for identification but that was done away with several decades ago and replaced with the dog tags that I am not allowed to remove. Obviously, I cannot imbibe intoxicants. I cannot keep secrets.
[Which makes things... really hard sometimes, when he sort of has to.]
That is most of the relevant information, I think.
[It's... well, it's not exactly new for him, but it's rare enough that it's unsettling. The first person to care for him as vividly as Kyna- was a long time ago. Seeing the same sentiment again is disquieting for a reason he can't name.]
jesus, rome you're not a dog, you're a person i don't care what your handlers told you. why would it be dangerous? you died saving my life, and you just said you wouldn't hurt me like five seconds ago. i'm not afraid of you. i trust you.
[It feels very clinical to write it out. It's not a secret, it's not something that he keeps tucked away from anyone- it just doesn't come up, generally not unless someone sees the scarring. Rome can feel detached from the words themselves, he's good at that. It's going further that gives him pause, where there's an explanation behind it and he owes it after dropping that sudden piece of information.]
He cared. The way you do. I only knew him for three years. I
I was very attached. I didn't realize how much so until after he died. When I recovered from my injuries, I was court-martialed and demoted.
Nobody said those things before him. Nobody said them after him, either.
[There- it's simple, except where it's not. He can only deal in simple and so he keeps it there, at the facts in their basest form. Kyna will understand, he hopes.]
[She gets it, and it's heartbreaking. God, she feels so bad for him.]
i'm sorry
[And she's not good at knowing what to say in these situations, but she tries to picture Harlan or Lance, tries to think about how they'd deal with it. It takes her a bit to sort out her next messages, and she rewrites them over and over again before finally committing.]
you know that's not your fault, right? people should care about you. you deserve it. if he died saving you, i think he thought you deserved it too.
[It's not really admonishing, but- yes, he's aware.]
It isn't protocol. His life is inherently more valuable than mine. As is yours. I have no qualms with operating under that assumption and I dislike it when others don't.
I should have died that day. I refuse to put you in a situation where you ever have to make that choice. I've already failed you once- I won't do it again.
you didn't fail me, and you're not worth more than me. i don't care what any of those assholes who trained you said. you realize we can take care of each other right? it doesn't have to be you throwing yourself into danger for me.
[He doesn't respond for a moment at that. There's the small spike of anger, familiar in its uselessness and he puts it away like he always does. There's something else too, a feeling he doesn't know how to name, something that seems like sadness, but isn't quite- and with some difficulty, he puts that away too.]
I see.
[Rome doesn't rise to the challenge. He's practiced in calm, even when he can feel everything but, itching under his skin.]
[She knows she's screwing up, and now she falls back to her familiar scrambling, trying to explain herself and right the conversation and feeling like there's no way she can.]
no god, i just i want to help you too if we're friends it should be equal, not i don't know
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
NO DON'T BE SORRY
none of them are ever going to let me live it down.
btw who told you you couldn't drink?
<3
[Why else would you have sex with someone???]
My handlers. I live by many rules. It's likely that alcohol will lessen the control I have over myself. Therefore, it's- dangerous.
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he's definitely not.
[It's because he's thirsty, Rome.]
would it really make you lose control?
what other rules did they give you?
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[EXPLAIN TO HIM the wonderful world of casual sex, that'll go over really well.]
I don't know, I've never tried it.
You know that I cannot be romantically involved. I have a curfew. I have a strict diet- though I make do with what I can here. A training regimen, daily meditation. My handler typically has a silver blade and bullet on his person but I have not been able to locate those objects here- I would give them to my superior if I did. I follow a dress code. We used to wear collars for identification but that was done away with several decades ago and replaced with the dog tags that I am not allowed to remove. Obviously, I cannot imbibe intoxicants. I cannot keep secrets.
[Which makes things... really hard sometimes, when he sort of has to.]
That is most of the relevant information, I think.
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because sex feels good
[And now that that's out of the way—]
are you okay with that?
i mean, i know you're used to it, but
does any of it bother you?
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[Kyna, how about you learn things you never wanted to know about ALL of your friends!]
I don't know. I haven't thought about it. Routine is comfortable to me.
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i just worry about you, you know?
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People don't, usually.
[It's... well, it's not exactly new for him, but it's rare enough that it's unsettling. The first person to care for him as vividly as Kyna- was a long time ago. Seeing the same sentiment again is disquieting for a reason he can't name.]
I don't know how to react to it.
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you're awesome
it doesn't like
make you uncomfortable, does it?
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[Hey, he can't keep secrets, right?]
I'm a soldier. A dog. Growing attached is- it's asking for failure. From both sides.
[For all of his politeness, Rome's brutal honesty can be... well, brutal.]
I can't stop you. But I can strongly advise against feeling empathy or compassion toward me. That sort of thing is- it can be very dangerous.
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you're not a dog, you're a person
i don't care what your handlers told you.
why would it be dangerous?
you died saving my life, and you just said you wouldn't hurt me like five seconds ago.
i'm not afraid of you. i trust you.
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[It feels very clinical to write it out. It's not a secret, it's not something that he keeps tucked away from anyone- it just doesn't come up, generally not unless someone sees the scarring. Rome can feel detached from the words themselves, he's good at that. It's going further that gives him pause, where there's an explanation behind it and he owes it after dropping that sudden piece of information.]
He cared. The way you do. I only knew him for three years. I
I was very attached. I didn't realize how much so until after he died. When I recovered from my injuries, I was court-martialed and demoted.
Nobody said those things before him. Nobody said them after him, either.
[There- it's simple, except where it's not. He can only deal in simple and so he keeps it there, at the facts in their basest form. Kyna will understand, he hopes.]
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i'm sorry
[And she's not good at knowing what to say in these situations, but she tries to picture Harlan or Lance, tries to think about how they'd deal with it. It takes her a bit to sort out her next messages, and she rewrites them over and over again before finally committing.]
you know that's not your fault, right?
people should care about you.
you deserve it.
if he died saving you, i think he thought you deserved it too.
no subject
[It's not really admonishing, but- yes, he's aware.]
It isn't protocol. His life is inherently more valuable than mine. As is yours. I have no qualms with operating under that assumption and I dislike it when others don't.
I should have died that day. I refuse to put you in a situation where you ever have to make that choice. I've already failed you once- I won't do it again.
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i don't care what any of those assholes who trained you said.
you realize we can take care of each other right?
it doesn't have to be you throwing yourself into danger for me.
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what if i don't want you to do that for me?
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Would you tell a firefighter to leave your home burning? A plumber to keep the leak in your tap?
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firefighters still care about themselves
you don't
[She knows that she should dial this back, but she's upset, and she sends it before she can stop herself.]
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I see.
[Rome doesn't rise to the challenge. He's practiced in calm, even when he can feel everything but, itching under his skin.]
Are you refusing my assistance?
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no
god, i just
i want to help you too
if we're friends it should be equal, not
i don't know
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[Which is basically what this entire conversation has been about, tbh.]
I don't know if I should have friends.
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because someone told you you can't?
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[He's getting a little more agitated- it's harder when it's personal, to keep everything at bay.]
Why is it so important to you?
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[Ugh.]
because i care about you, and you shouldn't have to feel this way
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