IC Inbox for Hadriel

[leashed]

This is Lieutenant Hart.

Leave a message and I'll respond as soon as I can.

Thank you.

Comments

[leashed]

I know.

People don't, usually.

[It's... well, it's not exactly new for him, but it's rare enough that it's unsettling. The first person to care for him as vividly as Kyna- was a long time ago. Seeing the same sentiment again is disquieting for a reason he can't name.]

I don't know how to react to it.

[evocation]

well, they should
you're awesome
it doesn't like
make you uncomfortable, does it?

[leashed]

It does.

[Hey, he can't keep secrets, right?]

I'm a soldier. A dog. Growing attached is- it's asking for failure. From both sides.

[For all of his politeness, Rome's brutal honesty can be... well, brutal.]

I can't stop you. But I can strongly advise against feeling empathy or compassion toward me. That sort of thing is- it can be very dangerous.

[evocation]

jesus, rome
you're not a dog, you're a person
i don't care what your handlers told you.
why would it be dangerous?
you died saving my life, and you just said you wouldn't hurt me like five seconds ago.
i'm not afraid of you. i trust you.

[leashed]

My second handler died saving my life.

[It feels very clinical to write it out. It's not a secret, it's not something that he keeps tucked away from anyone- it just doesn't come up, generally not unless someone sees the scarring. Rome can feel detached from the words themselves, he's good at that. It's going further that gives him pause, where there's an explanation behind it and he owes it after dropping that sudden piece of information.]

He cared. The way you do. I only knew him for three years. I

I was very attached. I didn't realize how much so until after he died. When I recovered from my injuries, I was court-martialed and demoted.

Nobody said those things before him. Nobody said them after him, either.

[There- it's simple, except where it's not. He can only deal in simple and so he keeps it there, at the facts in their basest form. Kyna will understand, he hopes.]

[evocation]

[She gets it, and it's heartbreaking. God, she feels so bad for him.]

i'm sorry

[And she's not good at knowing what to say in these situations, but she tries to picture Harlan or Lance, tries to think about how they'd deal with it. It takes her a bit to sort out her next messages, and she rewrites them over and over again before finally committing.]

you know that's not your fault, right?
people should care about you.
you deserve it.
if he died saving you, i think he thought you deserved it too.

[leashed]

I know what he thought.

[It's not really admonishing, but- yes, he's aware.]

It isn't protocol. His life is inherently more valuable than mine. As is yours. I have no qualms with operating under that assumption and I dislike it when others don't.

I should have died that day. I refuse to put you in a situation where you ever have to make that choice. I've already failed you once- I won't do it again.

[evocation]

you didn't fail me, and you're not worth more than me.
i don't care what any of those assholes who trained you said.
you realize we can take care of each other right?
it doesn't have to be you throwing yourself into danger for me.

[leashed]

That's what I'm trained to do. It's my job, Kyna.

[evocation]

what makes me so much better than you?
what if i don't want you to do that for me?

[leashed]

I don't understand.

Would you tell a firefighter to leave your home burning? A plumber to keep the leak in your tap?

[evocation]

that's not the same at all
firefighters still care about themselves
you don't

[She knows that she should dial this back, but she's upset, and she sends it before she can stop herself.]

[leashed]

[He doesn't respond for a moment at that. There's the small spike of anger, familiar in its uselessness and he puts it away like he always does. There's something else too, a feeling he doesn't know how to name, something that seems like sadness, but isn't quite- and with some difficulty, he puts that away too.]

I see.

[Rome doesn't rise to the challenge. He's practiced in calm, even when he can feel everything but, itching under his skin.]

Are you refusing my assistance?

[evocation]

[She knows she's screwing up, and now she falls back to her familiar scrambling, trying to explain herself and right the conversation and feeling like there's no way she can.]

no
god, i just
i want to help you too
if we're friends it should be equal, not
i don't know

[leashed]

It's difficult for me, to accept the kinds of things you say.

[Which is basically what this entire conversation has been about, tbh.]

I don't know if I should have friends.

[evocation]

why?
because someone told you you can't?

[leashed]

I don't know.

[He's getting a little more agitated- it's harder when it's personal, to keep everything at bay.]

Why is it so important to you?

[evocation]

because

[Ugh.]

because i care about you, and you shouldn't have to feel this way

[leashed]

Because we're friends.

[He understands that much at least.]

I can- I'll try to understand that. For you.

[evocation]

[Ouch. That makes her heart twist, and it takes her a bit to answer.]

you don't want me to put myself in danger for you because you think it's your job or whatever
but it's not just that, right?

[leashed]

No, it isn't.

[To put it simply.]

I don't know how to explain it. I'm sorry.

[evocation]

it's okay
i'm just trying to say that it's
that's the same reason i don't want you hurting yourself for me, you know?
not because it's my job or whatever
that other thing

[And she's not sure explaining is really making sense to him, so maybe this will.]

[leashed]

I think I understand what you mean.

[Not that she's really making it easy for him.]

I care about you too.

[evocation]

i know

[There's another pause.]

it really means a lot to me
you saving me, i mean
and listening to me and everything

[leashed]

Of course.

[This feels a little better.]

I apologize if I've made things difficult for you.